How to Tick Off HP Haters
by mclovin87
Summary: After Emmett gets the 7th Harry Potter book, he realizes Rosalie doesn't like the books! *Gasp* Based on the Mugglenet fun list "120 Ways to Agitate Someone Who Doesn't Like Harry Potter" CHAPTER 3 IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing!

Plot: Emmett comes home after getting _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ at the midnight release, but Rosalie doesn't like Harry Potter (gasp!). What will he do? Based on the fun list "120 Ways to Agitate Someone Who doesn't Like Harry Potter" on Mugglenet (/funlists/131waystoagitate.shtml)

--

"I GOT THE BOOK! I GOT THE FREAKING BOOK!"

Rosalie turned around in her chair. "Wowwww Emmett. Amazing."

"I FREAKING GOT THE BOOK!"

Emmett ran over to the table and dropped the huge book, which made a noise like dropping a binder on the hallway floor. Everyone jumped.

"OMIGOD I HAD TO WAIT IN LINE UNTIL LIKE 2:45 AM BUT THEN THESE PUNKS LIKE TOTALLY CUT ME AND I'M LIKE 'EXCUUUSE _ME_?' AND THEN THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE SO WE GOT INTO THIS FIGHT AND NOW THEY'RE IN THE HOSPITAL AND OMIGOD THE HOUSE SMELLS AWESOME OMIGOD THAT'S MY JACKET, MORON!"

Edward looked down at the Abercrombie jacket he was wearing. "I felt like wearing it."

"I WOULD TOTALLY FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW BUT I JUST GOT THE BOOK AND SO I'M TOO EXCITED TO FIGHT YOU AND DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS, ALICE!"

"Okay so after Ron hooks up with Cho Chang..." Alice joked.

"LA LA LA LA LA I CAN't HEAR YOU! LA DEE DA DEE DA! LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Dude get a life."

"I WILL GO READ THIS NOW SO NO ONE DISTURB ME!"

And he walked over to the couch and began to read. Rosalie sighed. "Those books are like, omigod, totally lame. Why do you like even read them?"

Emmett looked up. "Are you saying...You don't like Harry Potter?"

"Uh, like, yeah. Totally. It's like so lame."

"Take it back."

"No."

Emmett stared at her. "Fine. Until you read these books...I...uh...omigod! '120 Ways to Agitate Soemone Who Doesn't Like Harry Potter!'"

"What?"

"Never mind."

--

The next day, Emmett was on page 436 of the book and Rosalie was still bugging him about how lame it was.

"I mean, like, omigod, those books are for _loo-_sers!"

Emmett tried to concentrate on his book, but then put it on the table and walked over to where the whole family was standing in the kitchen.

"I heard it's supposed to be sunny, tomorrow, so we can't go outside."

"Omigod, like Devil's Snare!"

Everyone looked at Emmett. "What?" he asked.

They turned back. "Ha ha, hey, hey Luna!" he said loudly to Rosalie.

She turned. "What? Who's Luna?"

Emmett gasped. "Omigod...no...no way... SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO LUNA LOVEGOOD IS!" And he ran to his room, pretending to cry, though it sounded pretty realistic.

"That was pathetic."

"What's up with him?"

"I've been asking that every day since I met him."

--

Rosalie opened to the door to her room and stopped, fuming.

"EMMETT CULLEN I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Every poster in her room had round glasses and lightning bolt scars.

"EMMETT YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

She ran over to her computer to send him several nastily worded e-mails. When she logged on, however, she saw about 45 e-mails from him. She clicked on the first, which read "Read this article about global warming!"

She opened it up, but instead of seeing that article, she saw something else.

"The fifth screen installment of the **Harry Potter **series saw its business decline by a larger than expected 58; considerably more precipitous than it's experienced in the past. The publication of the seventh and final book in the series likely drew away devotees and one will have to wait a week to see whether faster readers will return to the multiplex for a refresher course."

She closed the e-mail, steaming. "EMMETT!"

She looked at the next e-mail, which read "Check this out- funny". When she opened it, she got even more frustrated.

"The final installment in the _Harry Potter _series has sold around 11 million copies in its first day. Borders, the second largest US book chain is reported to have sold around 1.2 million, the highest amount in its history."

And the next one read, "OMG. Read this! It's about the pet shelter downtown"

Of course, it had nothing to do with furry, cute little animals.

"Warner Bros confirmed today that the role of Lavender Brown will be played by Jessie Cave. Ms. Cave is 20 years old and beat over 7000 girls to win the part in the next harry Potter film installment."

Rosalie clicked through all of the e-mails, all of which had to do with Harry Potter, though the subject lines were things like "Sale at Abercrombie- read this", "Movie Times", "Seven day weather forecast", and "holy crap! i just saw a purple octopus!".

Rosalie glared at the screen. _Ooooohhhh, Emmett is in so much trouble!_

Rosalie stormed downstairs and switched on the TV to watch the _Gossip Girl_ marathon. She heard footsteps behind her.

_'But before he went loopy he was the life and soul of the party," said Fred. "He used to down an entire bottle of firewhisky, then run onto the dance floor, hoist up his robes, and start pulling bunches of flowers out of his—"_

"_Yes, he sounds a real charmer," said Hermione, while Harry roared with laughter._

"_Never married, for some reason," said Ron.'_

Emmett finished, laughing hysterically. Tears rolling down his face, he flipped a few more pages and began to read, but before he could do so, Rosalie snatched the book away from him. Emmett turned a deep red color.

"Give. Me. The. Book. Back. Now," he said slowly, dangerously.

"Well then quit annoying me with it!"

"Fine."

And he grabbed his book and, holding it protectively, ran up the stairs.

A few hours later, Esme, Carlisle, Jasper, Edward, Alice, and Rosalie were all in the living room playing Twister. After Edward lost for the 78th time, someone started singing upstairs. They all listened closely.

"_On the 8th day of Quidditch my true love gave to me 8 Quidditch trunks, 7 chasers, 6 golden hoops, 5 beaters' clubs, 4 quaffles, 3 Firebolts, 2 bludgers, and 1 golden snitch._

_On the 9th day of Quidditch my true love gave to me 9 Quidditch fields, 8 Quidditch trunks, 7 chasers, 6 golden hoops, 5 beaters' clubs, 4 quaffles, 3 Firebolts, 2 bludgers, and 1 golden snitch._

_On the 10th day of Quidditch my true love gave to me 10 referees, 9Quidditch fields, 8 Quidditch trunks, 7 chasers, 6 golden hoops, 5 beaters'clubs, 4 quaffles, 3 Firebolts, 2 bludgers and 1 golden snitch!"_

_"EMMETT, SHUT UP!_" Rosalie roared.

And he shut up.

Around 8:00 that night, Rosalie decided to go to the mall to check out a shoe sale. Emmett had told her he would come and she, unenthusiastically, agreed. She was waiting in the car when she saw a figure leave the house and walk over to the car. When he got closer, Rosalie's eyes got huge.

"Oh...My...God. No...freakin...way."

It was Emmett, and he was totally decked out in his Harry Potter gear. A black cloak with a Gryffindor badge, a wizard's hat, a Slytherin scarf, round glasses, and lightning bolt scar on his forehead, and pretend owl, a really long wand that lit up when you pressed a button, and a Hufflepuff tie.

Emmett jumped into the passenger seat. "So, ready to go?"

"Take that off. Now."

"Only if you read the books."

They both glared at each other for a few moments.

"Fine. Be an idiot," she said, and pressed on the gas pedal.

--

Do you like it? I'm gonna try to make it funnier next chapter!

Please review! They make me feel good and then inspire me to write really good chapters!

Chapter 2: Emmett continues on his quest to make Rosalie read the books. And how will people react when Emmett goes to a designer shoe store decked out in his HP gear and yelling "DEATH EATER!" every time someone in a hood walks by?

PLEASE REVIEW! I LOVE YOU! ha ha

Oh and I did not write that song 'the 12 days of quidditch' :-)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Summary: How will Rosalie react when Emmett runs around a designer shoe store screaming "DEATH EATER!" and acting like he just drank 9474563862 Red Bulls? And when will the madness end?!

Note: Yes, I know that vampires can't cry, but lets just pretend they can, okay?? And also, if anyone from Britain is offended by any of the British terms I use, I'm sorry!

**I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!**

--

Emmett and Rosalie walked into the designer shoe store, and Rosalie immediately walked over to the heels and boots, leaving Emmett to entertain himself.

A few guys in hoods came out from the sneaker aisle, and Emmett gasped and started running in circles around them, screaming "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! DEATH EATER! DEATH EATER! DEATH EATER! SOMEONE SEND AN OWL TO THE AUROR OFFICE AND ASK THEM TO SEND MAD EYE MOODY AND TO TELL HIM TO REMEMBER TO BRING HIS SNEAKOSCOPE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA _DIE_!!"

Everyone looked at each other, not understanding a word this mentally disturbed man had just said.

Rosalie hid behind the leather boot display.

A few minutes later, she spotted Emmett running up to random men with long dark hair, and screaming "SIRIUS! I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE!"

Later, when Rosalie was trying on a pair of Stilettos, Emmett walked over, still decked out in his Harry Potter gear.

"Emmett, seriously, what is wrong with you?"

"Just to let you know, I go by Dobby now."

Rosalie stared. "Emmett, stop-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Emmett screamed at the top of his lungs in the middle of the store. Everyone was staring.

"Emmett, shut-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"FINE, DOBBY! SHUT UP!"

And he got really quiet.

Rosalie groaned. "Okay, _Dobby_, how do these heels look?"

Emmett was quiet for a moment, then, he said very seriously, "three turns should do it."

"What?"

"Three turns should do it."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Rosalie finally decided on six pairs of shoes, and brought them over to the cashier, with Emmett behind her, pointing at random objects, laughing hysterically, and yelling, "Look at that! Ha! The things Muggles come up with!"

When the cashier looked at them, it was really easy to tell that he was trying really really really hard not to laugh at Emmett, but when he saw Rosalie's face, he immediately stopped.

"Ah," he said awkwardly, "I guess you like Harry Potter."

"Yes, he does," Rosalie said.

Awkward silence.

"Soooo," Emmett said, "How 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"

--

During the car ride back, Emmett forced Rosalie to play the soundtracks from all the Harry Potter movies, much to her annoyance.

"OMIGOD! THIS IS WHERE THEY FIND THE PROPHECY!"

"OMIGOD, THIS IS WHEN VOLDEMORT COMES BACK TO LIFE!"

"OMIGOD, THIS IS WHEN GILDEROY LOCKHART LOSES HIS MEMORY! Dude, dude, dude, ha ha, dude, he's like 'Who am I?' HA HA HA HA HA! Hey, dude. dude, ha ha hey, dude-"

"DON'T CALL ME DUDE!"

"Fine, sorry dude, oh crap, I mean sorry Rosalie. Hey, ya know, you kinda look like Gilderoy-"

"EMMETT, SHUT UP!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"FINE! DOBBY, SHUT UP!"

"Whatever Mistress says, for Dobby is a-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Fine."

There was silence for awhile. Rosalie glared at the road as she drove, he hands almost breaking the steering wheel.

"Rosalie?"

"What."

"What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?"

--

They arrived back at the house, with Rosalie glowering, and Emmett glowing.

"So, how was the shoe sale?" Alice asked, sitting next to Edward who had just lost Twister 46 more times.

Rosalie looked at her. "You don't wanna know."

Emmett looked to Alice, smiling. "Let's just say that the Ministry of Magic is being extremely lax about the security of the Muggle population and the dementors have obviously joined You Know Who so there has _obviously_ been a mass breakout that the Ministry has hushed up and the Aurors are off in the Bahamas playing with the lions."

"Emmett, lions are from Africa."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh yeah," Rosalie said, "he wants to be called Dobby now."

--

The next morning, Emmett came down the stairs dressed in all black from head to toe. He had a somber expression on his face, and walked slowly over to the couch.

"_Dobby_, are you all right?" Esme asked.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and continued to watch the _Psych_ marathon on TV. Emmett, looking like he was going to cry, said seriously, "I'm mourning over the death of The Only One He Ever Feared."

Rosalie groaned. "Who the heck is that?"

And Emmett began to cry hysterically and ran upstairs.

"He's so manly, isn't he?" Rosalie remarked.

Around noon, Emmett came back downstairs. "'Ello, mate," he said in an extremely fake British accent, "This jumper is ace! I'm telling you mate, it's bloody brilliant!"

"Emmett-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"FINE, _DOBBY! _Are you insane?"

"I am not barmy! Blimey, Bob's your uncle!"

"Dobby, your using all those words wrong!"

"Top of the morning to you!"

"Dobby, that's Irish!"

"_Dobby_, what's up with your voice?" Alice asked.

"I beg your pardon, Alice? What on Earth are you talking about?"

Alice looked to Rosalie. "I think you should have known him longer before you married him."

Emmett, who didn't hear what Alice had just said, yelled, "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

--

Rosalie groaned, and covered her face with her hands. Emmett was giving an extremely long lecture on how some prophecy or something relates to everyday life. Esme had forced them to listen because, according to one of her many parenting books, you need to show those people who may be mentally confused some respect, so they feel like normal people.

"And the prophecy therefore relates to our day to day life because of its impact on beings' subconscious minds, so it therefore forces us to live as it says, without actually realizing it-"

Rosalie took a nearby book and hit it over her head, but the only thing that did was break the book.

--

Hours later, Emmett had finally finished giving his lecture, but only because Edward had threatened to stuff human food down his mouth if he talked anymore.

Rosalie sat on the couch, admiring her reflection in the mirror, while, Emmett kept throwing dust into the fireplace and yelling random locations.

"VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW! O crap."

One time, he got so worked up that he set fire the the fireplace, threw some dust into it, and was about to walk in when Jasper had taken him out and set out the fire.

After hours of this, Emmett finally gave up and then proceeded to try to Apparate across the room, yelling things like "Dung head" and "That rotten Dog Breath! He doesn't know what the heck he's talking about!" when he didn't move an inch.

And by the end of the day, he was in tears because since the Floo Network wasn't working for him and he couldn't Apparate, he was sure that a higher power had declared him not fit for wizardhood.

--

Chapter Three: More craziness! What will happen when the Cullens decide to take a train down to Seattle? And what happens when, because there aren't a lot of seats, Emmett is forced to sit in a train car thingy by himself with lots of strangers around him??


	3. Chapter 3

Luv yall for the reviews!!

and i liked how everyone was like 'emmett is annoying!' ha ha. i agree. hopefully rosalie will read the books soon :-)

Chapter 3: Train trip to Seattle. Emmett and Rosalie (I changed it from the summary i wrote last chapter) alone in a train car with a bunch of strangers. Emmett obsessed with Harry Potter. I hope you can figure out the rest :-)

--

After hours of sobbing uncontrollably into Esme's shoulder, Emmett eventually went up to his room and continued his sobfest at his apparent lack of wizarding ability.

Esme had suggested that they take a train down to Seattle the next day, and so at 7 AM, they all piled into Alice's Porsche and headed down to the train station. As they boarded the train, everyone looked at them, either because they were unnaturally stunning, or because a man who appeared to be a bodybuilder was walking behind them, decked out in his Harry Potter gear, and apparently high.

"OMIGOD WE'RE ON THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS! AAAAAHHHHH!!"

Unfortunately, it was morning rush hour, so most of the compartments were full. Thanks to Carlisle's looks, they were able to get a few seats on a couple separate train cars. Carlisle and Esme were in one, Edward, Jasper, and Alice in another, and Emmett and Rosalie in the last one, much to Rosalie's dismay.

Emmett was beaming, and sitting midway through the train car, while Rosalie was sitting in the very front next to a hobo with really really bad BO who kept talking to himself and a man who appeared to work at Sephora and was excitedly gabbing into his silver phone about all the latest brands of blush that were coming in.

As Rosalie opened up her latest _Vogue _magazine, Emmett began talking very loudly, probably just to make sure that Rosalie could hear everything.

"OH NOOOOOOOOO YOU DIDN'T! HARRY POTTER IS LIKE SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN LORD OF THE RINGS! Huh?...uhhh... well... umm, you see... WELL FIRST THERES A REALLY OLD WIZARD WHO DIES IN THE BOOKS! Oh crap, wait, there's one in Lord of the Rings? WELL...WELL... HE DOESN'T HAVE A PHOENIX... UMMM, HE WASN'T IN LOVE WITH GRINDELWALD... huh? O YEAH? O YEAH? WELL &#& YOU!"

She heard the Lord of the Rings fan say something to Emmett that would have made Emmett beat him up if they weren't in a train full of people.

"OHHHHHH NO YOU DIDN'T!" And for the next fifteen minutes Emmett and the Lord of the Rings fan kept verbally jousting.

Fifteen minutes later,

"FINE, YOU WIN! HA! LIKE I CARE! YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NEVER GONNA READ THOSE BOOKS! YOU HEAR ME, HA! WHAT NOW? HA HA HA!"

And then Emmett got the whole train car to start singing "Hogwart's Girl", with him obnoxiously singing Hermione's verses.

_I'm a Hogwarts girl, in my Hogwarts world I do magic, it's fantastic Ghosts fly everywhere, pixies in my hair A vacation from Muggle situations_

While the rest of the car sang,

_Wizards, witches, snakes, and sn__itches_

And Emmett sang the rest of the song.

Thirty minutes later...

"OMIGOD! OMGOMGOMG I HAVE ONE! WHAT DO YOU CALL A COUGHING QUIDDITCH COMMENTATOR? GIVE UP? A _WEASLEY_! HA HA HA HA!"

No one laughed.

Ten minutes later...

"OMG! LIKE IN _CHAMBER OF SECRETS!"_

"LIKE OMG! THATS TOTALLY LIKE _GOBLET OF FIRE_!"

It was plain to see that Emmett was making lots of friends.

Fifteen minutes later...

Someone had just told Emmett he was going to go to a very special place, where it has extremely hot, and where mean people went for the rest of eternity after they died, for reading Harry Potter.

"OH EM GEE! YIPPEE! I CAN'T WAIT!"

Ten minutes later...

"SEE THAT GIRL UP THERE? WE'RE RELATED! HA HA HA HEY ROSE! ROSALIE! She's embarrassed, she drew Harry Potter glasses on her face with permanent marker this morning, she doesn't want anyone to see..."

"EMMETT, SHUT UP!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"FINE, DOBBY, SHUT UP!"

And he was quiet.

Rosalie got up to check on Jasper, Alice, and Edward in the next train car. As she left, she heard Emmett trying to convince some doctor that he wasn't having some sort of fit.

Rosalie spent a few minutes in the next train car, where Edward, Jasper, and Alice had decided to start playing Twister. After Edward lost for the 62nd time, Rosalie went back to the train car, where Emmett had apparently been sedated by the doctor.

The sedatives only lasted a few minutes.

When Emmett woke up, he started flipping out and demanding to know who had just possessed his mind.

When no one answered, he began singing a Sorting Hat song.

_"In times of old when I was new_

_And Hogwarts barely started_

_The Founders of our noble school_

_Thought never to be parted:_

_nited by a common goal,_

_They had the selfsame yearning_

_To make the world's best magic school_

_And pass along their learning..._

Oh, crap. ROSALIE, WHAT'S NEXT? Oh, right...

_"Together we will build and teach!"_

_The Four good friends decided_

_And never did they dream that they_

_Might someday be divided,_

_For were there such friends anywhere_

_As Slytherin and-- _no, sir, I'm not under the influence. No, I mean, I took hyperactivity medication a few years ago... no, man, I swear I'm not drunk.. huh? DUDE, I SAID I WASN'T-- oh crap. Sorry, uh, officer. Uh, I, uh, apologize? Uh, yes. I will be quiet now."

And he was quiet for the rest of the ride, all two hours and twenty five minutes, while nearby, Edward continued to lose at Twister.

--

How do you like it? Sorry, it wasn't as funny as the other chapters.

PLEASE REVIEW! Ha ha I love you!

So...yeah. Oh, and **I OWN NOTHING!!**


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